Grief...

What is Grief?

Loss of a life partner through death, divorce or separation is one of the hardest things any person has to face. It causes a sense of grief which only those who have experienced such a loss can understand.

Grief is confusing. We can feel as if we are 'losing control' of ourselves as our emotions and feelings change rapidly. We can feel 'inhuman' - but feeling grief at the loss of a partner is one of the most human experiences we can feel. Loss of concentration, hope, energy and self-worth often occur. Our sleep patterns, sex drive and appetite are often disturbed. We can become more fatigued, error prone and slower in speech and movement as we experience grief.

It is useful to see grief as a process divided into different stages. One model of grief highlights five stages in the process - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These stages are outlined in more detail below.

Generally speaking the process starts with denial and ends in acceptance BUT......

there are no limits on the time it can take for an individual to work through the process. It can take months, years or even decades. Trying to ignore our feelings does not stop the hurt of the grief process; it delays our progress through the process. Trying to 'rush' the process does not work either. Let go, and let God...;

we do not 'work through' the various stages of the grief process in a 'logical way'. It is normal to feel angry one moment, depressed the next. We 'jump around' the various stages and the overall process is a gradual one. Stages often overlap;

it is very important that we use our memories, both good and bad, in the healing process of grief. It hurts and is painful but ignoring or hiding our feelings will not make them go away. Such avoidance stops us working through the process;

we must find appropriate ways of expressing our feelings of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The Beginning Experience, prayer, professional counseling, talking with special friends, writing about our feelings and reading 'self-help' books are all positive ways of giving our feelings expression. Anger can be a particularly difficult feeling to express in an appropriate way because of its potential to lead to violence and because expressions of anger are generally seen as 'socially unacceptable'. A good reference book is M. Chave-Jones' Living with Anger (Triangle, London, 1992).

Grief Is - Author Unknown

Grief is more than just a constellation of feelings in response to a loss.

Grief does not fade with the passage of time. We do not realize our losses in an instant; we realize them over years. We do not get over it, but instead go through it, not just once, but as many times as we do. Through grief we incorporate our losses and weave them into tapestries of our lives so we can stay connected with all we have loved and still continue to live on at the same time.
Grief is timeless. You cannot predict exactly how and when grief will manifest.
Grief changes form and eludes definition.
Grief is physical.
Grief sits on your chest, punches you in the gut, squeezes your throat, winds everything up breaking-point tight, and sucks the energy out of you.
Grief is holding your breath, or breathing fast and shallow like a scared rabbit.
Grief is lazy and lethargic.
Grief is exhaustion that cannot sleep, hunger that cannot eat, and tears that will not dry.
Grief makes you feel weak, hollow, and threadbare.
Grief is clenching your teeth until you have a headache that will not go away.
Grief is feeling rundown and getting sick over and over again.
Grief is feeling so lousy all the time that you cannot tell whether you are sick or depressed.
Grief is a field of fog and distance where we wander lost and aimless.
Grief is unexpected composure, lucidness, and productivity that seem out of place.
Grief is a calm sullen silence, a vacuum into which we withdraw.
Grief is not being able to think about anything else.
Grief is dreaming about your past life.
Grief is a protest, a temper tantrum, a refusal to give up without a fight over something that is already lost.
Grief is an intense negotiation over events that have already happened, a barrage of what-if's and if-only's.
Grief is a hope turned backwards in time.
Grief is yelling at the beautiful sunrise because it means time is abandoning your loved one.
Grief is a plea to undo what cannot be undone.
Grief is rejected offerings and ungranted prayers.
Grief is retracing the steps that led our loved one from this world.
Grief is wanting to bear witness to and comfort the pain and suffering they experienced.
Grief is feeling guilty because we did not stop our loss, could not stop our loss, and cannot change our loss.
Grief is an accountability session.
Grief is damage control.
Grief is a sigh-a reluctant surrender to powers greater than ours.
Grief is a radical depletion of will and inspiration.
Grief is throwing your hands up into the air and collapsing onto the floor into despair.
Grief is unabashedly wailing and drowning in your own snot and tears.
Grief is an inventory of what has been lost.
Grief is a dim spotlight that illuminates the void where a life once was.
Grief is a fear that life is all there is and it is not enough.
Grief is fear of living with the loss and losing more.
Grief is examining every relationship, turning it upside down, considering its loss, and mourning it, before we venture to engage more deeply.
Grief is choosing to endure loneliness and despair over facing the fear of further loss.
Grief is the identity crisis that ensues when we lose those who help define who we are, how we live, and how we relate to one another.
Grief is an influx of freedom to re-create the self as old expectations of who we once were fade.
Grief is panning through memories over and over searching for jewels.
Grief is believing every pebble is a gem.
Grief is celebration.
Grief is saying thank you.
Grief is admitting that there was no gold in the pan.
Grief is a confession of regrets.
Grief is saying you are forgiven or forgive me.
Grief is saying God forgive you because I can't.
Grief is saying screw you for leaving me.
Grief is turning ordinary objects-a hairbrush, a note, a pin - into sacred vestiges.
Grief is talking about your loss again and again and choosing to ignore those that roll their eyes.
Grief is avoiding the reminders and trying to forget.
Grief is clinging to the reminders and trying to remember more.
Grief is recalling special moments and crying.
Grief is being able to remember the special moments and smile instead of crying.
Grief is discovering pieces of what was lost in places you do not expect.
Grief is grasping opportunities to connect, to share, and to care that you might have otherwise left for tomorrow because you are ever mindful now that there may be no tomorrow.
Grief is being able to distinguish better what is really important and meaningful after all is said and done and choosing to do more of it.

The 'Six Stages of Grief' and some of the feelings involved in each stage...

Denial

Feelings that "This can't be happening to me!"
Subconsciously or consciously looking for our former spouse in familiar places.
Pretending that our spouse is just away on a business trip and will return.

Anger

Feelings of "Why me?"
Feelings of getting even with people around me, God, children, relatives, former spouse, self.
Wanting to hurt back.

Bargaining

Trying to 'make deals' - with God ("Make it like it was God and I'll go to church, give money..."), with the former spouse ("I'll change...", "I'll try harder..."), with ourselves...?
Wishing and hoping that things would be like they once were.

Depression

Feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self-pity.
Facing the loss of hopes, dreams, and plans for the future.
"My life is falling apart and I am helpless to stop that happening!"

Acceptance

There is a difference between resignation and acceptance!
Acceptance involves:

realizing that each partner has some responsibility for the problems in the marriage;
seeing that some good has come out of the pain of the loss;
setting goals which lead to personal growth;
coming to a point when we are able to 'Dream a new dream...'
to be the Vision of BE ..... People Free to Love

Reaching Out

Responding to a call to go beyond one's grief to caring for others.

Stuck in Grief

You could be stuck in grief if you are ...

acting as if the loss of your marriage relationship (through death, divorce, or separation) is not affecting you,
pretending that you are still in control,
giving in to despair as your normal attitude,
allowing bitterness, anger, or self-pity to control you,
refusing to let go of the married life you had,
not talking about the aspects of your loss,
"medicating" your pain with drugs, alcohol, work, etc.,
or holding on to your anger against God?

Moving On

Moving on does NOT mean you will ...

never feel the pain of your loss,
forget the life you had before,
forget your spouse,
or believe that life is fair.

Moving on does mean you can ...

experience a lessening of your pain and grief,
realistically accept the different aspects of your loss,
treasure the best aspects of your married life,
make new relationships,
and try new things.

Moving on also means you will ...

accept your loss and forgive others,
understand that both joy and loss are a part of life,
grow in grace and in your relationship with God,
and believe God is good even when life is not.

Journaling

Dr. Bruce Fisher, in his book, Rebuilding When Your Relationship Fails, suggests as the very first exercise in the book to start a journal or diary.

Keep a journal or a diary in which you write down your feelings. You might do it daily, weekly, or whenever it fits your schedule. Start a lot of the sentences in the journal with "I feel," because that should help you write more feelings. Writing a journal will not only be an emotional learning experience that will enhance your personal growth, but it will also provide a yardstick to measure your personal growth. People often come back months later to read what they wrote and are amazed at the changes they have been able to accomplish. I cannot remember anyone who has written a journal who has not found it to be a worthwhile experience. (Fisher, 1981, 28)

Keeping a journal allows you to carefully outline some of the larger "sticking points" so that we may analyze them. Further, by actually expressing these thoughts on paper, often we can bring closure to that thought process, rather than rehashing it over and over in our minds, further draining our emotional energy.

Over time, another benefit of journaling can be seen. One day, you will be looking over what you wrote early on in the grieving process, and suddenly you'll come to understand how bad it was then, and how much better it has gotten. This can lead to a confirmation that the healing process is working in your life.